


no shame

by poppyharris



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Jedi Training, awkward convos about the force, before bad things happened, cold nights, neutral force users
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:00:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23399599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poppyharris/pseuds/poppyharris
Summary: ben can't get to sleep. his mind is full of whispers about the dark side, dissatisfaction with his training, the realisation of his true potential. and the way piptra smiled at him during training.
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 1





	no shame

ben stared at himself in the small, round mirror by his bedside. a welt was just starting to form under his eye from that day's training, although he imagined piptra would still have a pretty noticeable boot mark on her collarbone.

kriff, that was a rough session. piptra had won in the end, of course, but that didn't stop master skywalker from having to push ben off her chest twice. 

the rest of his peers wouldn't dare to fight her, despite master skywalker consantly trying to get them to. but luke always seemed to give her a look whenever she trained with ben, the way a father would watch a daughter train. ben couldn't fight the jealousy in his heart when he saw them, even if she never showed a reaction apart from mild apathy. she always seemed like she couldn't give one about being there, or about anyone there. she was always ignoring the other trainees, ignored master skywalker. piptra even had the audacity to ignore him. 

ben sighed, turning over in his bed. he really needed to stop thinking about piptra. she wasn't interested in him. she wasn't interested in much.

* * *

the voice was back.

a small, dark voice. it tugged at his heartstrings, and at his head. the voice hadn't identified itself, but ben knew it was from the dark side. it stirred feelings of dread within him, like he was being dipped in a freezing cold pool every time it spoke.

the strange thing about the voice was piptra's reaction to it. every time he heard the voice, piptra would stare at him. she couldn't hear the voice, surely? even master skywalker never reacted to the voice, despite how loud it was in ben's mind. although he suspected his master noticed how vicious he was during training. 

ben sat in silence as he ate, or was it silent around him? he'd been hearing so little lately, he wondered if he was starting to go deaf. it'd happened to anari, but that was mainly due to a blaster injury back when their journey had begun. he remembered when master skywalker introduced himself to the other students as the last jedi. 

_you could make sure of that, ben._

there it was again. as if it'd been whispered into his ear.

and then piptra drew her lightsaber.

the white of her saber struck ben for a moment, before he stood up, pulling out his saber as a way to assert dominance.

"what on endor do you think you're doing?" master skywalker stood between the two, giving piptra a hard stare as she flexed her grip on the handle, her face set into a hard glare. "put that away before you hurt yourself, mazel. now is not the time to practice dueling."

piptra gave ben one final look, her icy blue eyes cutting into his hazel ones, before she lowered her saber, flicking the switch and reholstering it. "forgive me, master skywalker. i don't know what came over me," she bent her head a little as a sign of respect, before turning and walking away with a flick of her hair. 

* * *

it was kriffing freezing.

and yet, piptra was still sat in her robes, staring out from her vantage point on top of the main building. ben watched her from the access hatch, trying to ignore the voice screaming out to let her freeze.

he didn't know what was calling him anymore. the voice was still there, making snide comments about master skywalker, derogatory remarks about piptra and sometimes some encouragement when ben beat her during training. but it was always silent when piptra was speaking, when she offered a rare smile, when she sat next to him during master skywalker's lectures. 

but right now, he was concerned that piptra was cold. the frost spreading on the window along with the cold, flat bedroll opposite his own told him that she was out, and she hadn't taken much. unlike the rest of the padwans, ben couldn't immediately pinpoint where she was. even now, when close, he could barely feel her presence.

"you'll freeze if you stay there," piptra stated flatly, still staring out towards the wide moon. ben was startled, but climbed out of the hatch, gripping a fur blanket. he walked towards her, careful to avoid the steadily thickening ice that covered the dome as he got closer, the voice grew quieter, as if it was screaming out to be heard. when she looked up at him, the voice fell silent.

"i brought you a blanket," ben offered the blanket to her, a small smile on his face when she accepted it. "how long have you been up here?"

"since you fell asleep. why are you awake?" she wrapped the blanket around her shoulders, moving backwards a little so ben could sit next to her without slipping. once he'd settled, piptra moved closer, and wrapped the other side of the blanket around him.

"i woke up and saw your bed empty and your lightsaber still there, i assumed the worst," ben admitted, looking up at the stars, the zooming and zipping of various ships being the only thing to disturb the stillness. piptra moved slightly closer, resting her head on his shoulder as she stared ahead to the moon, the mountains surrounding the temple perfectly framing the wide, greenish moon. "are you really a jedi?"

ben didn't know what made it slip out. it was a question he had locked deep deep down inside himself, something he told himself never to ask if he valued his head. but piptra didn't react in the way he assumed she would.

"no. not really. my family are an ancient force family, but," she turned away from the moon, suddenly looking extremely ashamed. "we're neutral force users. we can't be overpowered by the jedi or the sith, but we cannot overpower them."

ben stared at her, finally realising why she was so strong, but so apathetic. what was the point in training if you could never get any further than a stalemate? 

"do you think either side is right?" ben was curious now, but felt like it wasn't his curiosity. the voice roared, but made no move to speak. it was is own head. scared he'd lose her if he stayed on the path of the light, or turned to the dark.

piptra looked up at him, finally staring deep into his eyes. "neither is right, ben. you must overcome one to truly embrace the other." 

"is that why your lightsaber blade is white?" ben refused to break the eye contact, finally realising that her eyes were not an icy blue, but rather a light grey, similar to her hair. 

"purity and unity. i unite dark and light within myself, and purify it to bring them into balance," she finally turned away, looking back at the moon. "you're hearing voices, ben. bad voices. even i can sense them. they've already got their grip on you. and i'm scared you're not going to be strong enough to make a decision you're happy with."

ben felt sick. she knew. and if she knew, master skywalker knew. he stood up quickly, looking down at piptra. "i need to rest, i'll see you tomorrow, piptra," he quickly made his way to the access hatch, the weight in his stomach getting heavier and heavier as he ran back to his hut, seeing master skywalker's hut still glowing from the lit candles inside. oh kriff, ben needed to just get to his hut, pretend to be asleep and pray that his master wouldn't visit him in the middle of the night to speak about the voice while piptra was away from the hut.

panting, he quickly removed his outer clothes, leaving on his undershirt, and quickly covered himself in his blankets. 

the weight in his stomach turned to lead when he heard the metal door creak open too slowly to be piptra.

master skywalker was paying him a visit. 


End file.
